Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
