Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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