Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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