Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
