shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
