I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
