I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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