This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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