u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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