I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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