you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize