sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
