If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
