she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She announced her abortion via fbk
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
