I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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