I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I wanna passion pit in your ass
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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