I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
