Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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