I wish I could punch you in the face.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
