people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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