Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
