I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
