in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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