It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
