Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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