Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize