she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
