She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize