i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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