I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
