if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
