I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We have started to decorate penises.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
