Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
