I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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