I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
