Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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