I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
