I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
