I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
