I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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