hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
