wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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