The maid of honor just puked.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
