you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
