so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
