Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize