he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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