i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
