The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
