so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
