I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
