In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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