Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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