wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
