he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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