Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
