Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
