new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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